Category: Let's talk
I would like to hear your opinion about if you think people can be too honest. Let me give you an example: I had once two friends. One of them said she did not like me and she only pretends to be my friend. The other one told me about it. I was trying to pretend everything was okay when I was with that friend who did not like me, but one day I could not stand it anymore and asked her if that was true. She was then really angry at me. Then I told the other friend that I spoke to her about it, and she was mad at me afterwards, too. I wonder if I should have been quiet and should not told her about it. Well, later in my life i found more situations like this. Should we better keep quiet sometimes or is it really good to say all that's in your mind?
No, no, no. Unless you have to say it for some reason or you think not saying it will actually hurt the person, you shouldn't say bad things about people without a reason.
E.g. if you are with someone and you think they are very boring you don't just say "oh man, you are boring" it's hurtful and, yes, it may be true to you but it may be because you don't share beliefs or hobbies or what have you and saying this to the person will make him/her unhappy, question his/her personality (perhaps for a reason but perhaps not) and negatively influence that person. If you are asked directly "did you enjoy hanging out" .. then you can hint at the fact you didn't by saying e.g. "it was all right" or "yeah, it was not bad" or something but you wuldn't say "no, you are a bore my friend".
It's all about how you wrap it up, constructive criticism is good, if there is something about someone that really bothers you and you feel the person does not know it you should probably tell them because they can work on it, but if it's you or personality differences then I would not say anything. You got to wrap things up nicely and know when it's right to criticize and when not, it's not a clear cut issue but I think you know most times.
cheers
-B
It's all about diplomacy. there is a time to speak out, and there is a time to keep it shut, and there are right, and wrong ways of saying things. you can be honest in such a way so as to be constructively critical, or you can be blunt, and cause unhappyness. The latter does not achieve anything and will not win you any popularity contests in the future.
What a cheek! did anyone notice the glaring hypocrisy there....
..I would be tactful which would be a 1st..smile and try to find out the truth which sounds impossible with such 2 faced eejits, its a difficult and painful situation and there are few more destructive scenarios, than that she said no she said crap..
I'll only tell people who I don't like what I think of them and why if they annoy me or behave in a way I don't like. I'm not too honest so I don't provide people with information which they could use against me and may weaken my defense against them, and I don't give people information which may be transfered to people who I don't want to have it.
ah yeh goblin you are so right when you say that you'd be tactful and that that would be a first for you ...
WW your right in my experience those you do tell will invariably slap you in the face...
Well, to my story again: Should I have been quiet and went on pretending that everything all right? And shouldn't I have told my other friend that I talked with the first freiend about it?
Well .. your friend is really the one who should hve kept quiet honestly.
In your situation .. hmm .. not sure, there is no clear answer to this. I do tend to think though that you did not do anythig wrong by confronting your "friend" about it, you dont need any pretend friends, if they're not really your friends than why bother with them actually.
cheers
-B
I agree with everything B has said here. And no nes yo udidn't do anythign wrong. You did the right thing by confronting your friend about the situation. I know I would have done, had it been me. Cheers!
Thank you, Caitlin. Well, as i already said, I had these situations more than once and I always did it this way.
I personally think that the friend who told you may have went about it wrongly, but may have had good reasons. If I heard someone talking bad about those I care about, and knew the person was pretending to be a friend to that person they're talking about, I'd either confront him/her, or tell my friend. After all, having a pretend friend can only lead to pain, and isn't it better to know sooner then later? As far as what you did, I would have done the same thing. I'm not one to stay quiet and wonder. I try to confront in a tactful, if possible, way and find out the truth. Get it from the horses mouth itself shall we say. For example, I had a supposed friend who was trying to convince me that my husband was screwing around on me. Instead of taking her words as the truth I asked the woman whom my husband was supposedly doing. I found out that the "friend" was lying to me, and there was nothing going on between her and my husband. In such a manner I learned who my friends were, and who I could trust.
Thank you all. There was a time when I didn't have the courage to confront people with what I heard about them, but the more experiences I make, the more often I do this now.
Listen Insele while this cruel cycle is repeating itself you are also learning from your mistakes, it may not seem like it now, but subliminally you are learning and you will become stronger in time and be able to spot the 2 faced idiots...before they are able to spread their poisonous gossip..
Yeah I guess so, I already noticed a change in myself. Earlier I never talked to people about problems I had with them, now I always feel like I need to do it. I'm still very nervous when I'm doing it, but I do it.
Hi Inesle,
well, I guess I am to a point, but I'm not brutal about it, except in extreme circumstances. Once when I was at one of the camps I use to go to, there were these 2 young men counselors who were totally opposite of each other. The one I didn't care for was one of those constant cut up clowns who think they're funny, but who are far from it. and going on a boat ride when he was in charge of the boat was in my opinion scarey and tense. The other guy was rather quiet, but very nice and polite. Once when they were taking the boats out,one of the girl counselors asked me if I want to go out on the boat. I asked her which guy was in charge, and when she told me, and it was the crude clown, I said, no thanks, and she said, don't be ugly. I don't think that was ugly, that was just honest, if I'd wanted to be ugly, I could've said, why would I want to go out on a boat where that obnoxious jerk is in charge. There was a time on paltalk, where I was in a room where they were doing nothing but playing music, and when I go in a room, I go to talk, not to listen to music. One of the hosts asked if they were boring me, and I just said, no, it's ok, but I think I'll just go and find a place to talk. I told them to have a nice evening, then I left. A really crude person might have said, yeah, I'm bored to death, but I couldn't, wouldn't do it. As for the friend who was pretending to like you, you don't need friends like that anyway.
wonderwoman
I totally agree, Wonderwoman. Thanks for your opinion.
Insele its the only way pal I have confronted quite a few and I still feel nervous afterwards..smile
That's a tough one; I guess it depends on how much you trusted the other friend (not the pretend friend). Either way, you'd lose someone. Let's say that it was true. By telling the pretend friend, you may have just made him/her and your real friend enemies, or at least started a fight over telling each other's secrets. I hope you didn't lose both people. If it were me, I would have backed off from the potentially pretend friend, and kept my guard up for fakery, and tried to find other friends. As for being too honest, although I consider myself a very honest person, sometimes I will lie if I see no alternative. For example, if someone asks me a very personal, direct question, and I think it's none of their business and don't want them to know the real answer, I might tell them a lie to get them off my case. If I evaded the question, they would just say "That means you did it" or "That means you didn't do it", depending on the nature of the question, and would know the answer anyway, or at least majorly suspect it. Usually though, questions aren't that direct, and there are ways not to talk about certain things with certain people. If someone asks me a question like "How do I sound?" or "How do you like what I've written" that warrants constructive criticism, then I'll give it openly, both the goods and the bads (and there are usually lots of goods). If they were to get upset, then I would say something to the effect of "Then why did you ask me if you didn't want to hear the answer? Was I rude?" I'd never be a pretend friend, though I try hard to be curteous to everyone. Also, I'd never lie/cheat on a test or resume, and am still debating the tax dillemma. I'll post that as another thread.
its important to know that theres a time to speak up, and there are times when not to. im an honest person, but id never tell someone what i really thought of them. if theres something that needs to be done, and its not getting done, ill make sure it gets done. id do it in a respectful manner though, so that way, it gets done the way i need it to.